Premium Rush

Well going into the movie I thought it was going to be way too silly to sit through, but my Netflix queue eventually worked its way down to it, and I was not totally wrong. The movie was action packed… not in the way that someone would actually die, because it was billed as a thrill ride that didn't stop until the package was delivered and if someone had died in a wreck with a car, then they would have had to addressed it, which would have slowed down the pace of the movie for a bit, therefore negating the constant thrill ride aspect.

In terms of corniness, i'll get the bad out of the way first. Whenever Joseph Gordon-Levitt sees different routes for his bike to take through traffic, the animations are very cartoonish looking. I mean its like Lost’s yellow submarine all over again, and if you watched Lost it literally looked like the yellow submarine CGI was made in the 70s when some of the episodes were set… idk maybe that’s a copout JJ Abrams can use.

While the crash simulations would terribly rendered, the action of the film and the goal he is trying to accomplish really was entertaining… and you if you saw me you would know I have no good feelings towards bikes or any that use them. According to the film there are 1500 bicycle couriers in New York city, which is surprising to me in this age of electronic everything, and then kind of leads me to think that its mostly illegal, or my personal favorite color of dealings, grey, that the couriers mostly carry… then again I have lived in a city and traffic is ridiculous and line crew are constantly cutting power to this or that.

The movie centers around Joseph Gordon-Levitt who is a bike courier in New York, that receives a package to deliver from a scared girl, problem is a crooked detective is after the package, and Wiley (Gordon-Levitt’s character) doesn't understand what he is carrying. While the package is seemingly associated with a bad crowd, it actually turns out to be for a noble cause.

I give the movie 3.6 head on collisions with a New York taxi out of 5.

Oh and apparently Joseph Gordon-Levitt (damn I wish he had a shorter name) did a lot of the stunts himself. One so much that he had to go to the hospital.

Retreat

I hadn’t really heard anything about Retreat going into it, which made me think it was a bad movie. Well my preconceived notions were wrong. It may have been a bit slow in parts, and may have ended abruptly, but it was still a taut thriller, that kept you wondering up until the end.

Retreat follows a week getaway of a couple needing to repair their relationship, as they travel back to a lonely secluded island, where they first found the magic that had solidified their relationship. Things start out just fine; with morning runs, fresh fish from the sea for supper, and a warm hearth; but things quickly turn a foal, when a lone stranger falls unconscious outside their cottage door.

This stranger informs them that there has been a massive viral outbreak on the mainland, and that it is airborne and headed their way. The stranger is very agitated by this and does not do a very good job of explaining things while boarding up all the windows and doors, which causes the couple a great deal suspicion and angst.

They all quickly become prisoners trapped inside the cottage, either trapped by each other, or by the virus surrounding them.

There are a few twists and turns, and plenty of jumpy moments, which makes for a thoroughly enjoyable thriller. You really can't watch this one with others, because someone is inevitably going to talk about what they would do in this situation, or something along those lines, so its best to be viewed by your lonesome.

I give it 3.8 wet shotgun shells out of 5.

Syriana

Syriana is a lonnngg, slow, liberal movie.

I'm sure most of you heard liberal, and tuned out immediately. Just hear me out as I have a masters in middle eastern history and current political affairs... and speak a bit of Arabic.

That being said the points that the movie makes are real ones, and points that bear upon our modern day, in terms of terrorism, and why many in the middle east hate America. Also this an extremely political movie, so if you don't want to be confronted with real truths by myself or the movie stop reading right now....

It follows two main characters. One George Clooney, who plays an on the ropes CIA agent, who keeps pushing boundaries of the administration’s message, and Matt Damon, who works as an energy consultant in Switzerland, who eventually gets roped into helping an Arab Sheikh, who is genuinely trying to better his people.

Right off the bat a stinger missile is sold to an unauthorized and unsavory source...

* It should be noted that with polarization of politics in America “staying on message” is more important than providing actual intel.. in both the Bush and Obama administrations.

As the movie progresses we see the difficulties that foreign workers in the middle east, namely those in the oil industry, face on a daily basis. They are frequently treated as subhuman by Arabs and Whites in the area. Most foreign workers in the middle east are pakistani, sri lankan, bangladeshi, sub-saharan Africans.

* Terrorists are recruited from the poor and disenfranchised, or the rich arabs that see pieces of their pie being taken from them by westerners, Osama Bin Laden is a prime example of this... religion is simply a tool they use to ensnare the less educated lower classes, much like the “honor” of the American civil war south, they are both fighting one the side of on rich man or another... some rich men may have altruistic motives to help the populace, but most do not.

* This is why the middle east is such a hot bed. The rich lie to the poor about who, sometimes truthfully, sometimes untruthfully, keep them in their state, so they are prime targets for jihad missions, all the while using religion as a scapegoat... as it is used around the world.

* Islamic schools have very good funding and therefore can provide all the niceties of life that most terrorist recruits cannot hope to attain on their own... hence the draw.

* “Clear it with Hezbollah” is probably one of the best lines in the movie, because even though we can bring force to bare anywhere on the earth pretty much at a moments notice, we can't always protect spies, and have to defer to the true ground power in a region.

* This movie is very anti big OIL, and rightfully so. (Did you know that after 20 years late Exxon owes the US government 100 million for the Exxon-Valdez disaster... its not much but with windfall profits, if we held corporations to it we could pay a bit of our 14 trillion debt)

Another character is an oil company lawyer, who is trying to find out fs a merger which would make the acquiring oil company the 5th largest economic entity in the world, is actually legal or not.

While that is going on Matt Damon’s character is steadily trying to help the sheikh, who is trying to help his people, who is all the while being denigrated and later hunted by US government agencies for his good doings on behalf of BIG OIL. (If you think this doesn't really happen... you are full on retard... all though gas is still cheaper, even under Obama, than it would be... you just have to make peace with it in your own mind and with your God).

* It should be pointed out the George Clooney’s “Arabic” and “Farsi” is TOTAL BS, he’s just saying guttural syllables, and has no idea what he thinks he is saying.

* The movie does a good job of depicting the anger and feelings of loneliness that can be felt, even in a Virginia or Maryland subdivision, when someone you think is a colleague of yours, tells you “Sorry Bob, You should leave”. When you know that individual knows what's going on.

I like the bullet points because I can just focus on important ideas that many will not know, but should probably be aware of.

I won't give away spoilers, so I give this movie 2.4 makings of would be terrorists out of 5.

Although I frequently use this movie to fall asleep too, it is worth watching at least once, as long as your focus on the fact that most people that fight as jihadists really don't want to... if all all terrorist were drawn to terrorism out a sadistic lack of humanity within themselves, then every single political and religious group would be blowing up things. The issue is the lack of work, or something to do, 95% of the time. Sure there are true zealots, and sure there are literal crazies, but the majority see injustices in their own countries, that they perceive, either rightly or wrongly as keeping them from providing for their families. 

PS: If you have trouble following whats what, please check out this graphic, but try to watch the movie first, then refer to it. 

 

Force Watch: Star Wars Episode 3 vs Episode 6

Kmac:

A long time ago, in the galaxy we live in, a young girl watched the ending to a trilogy that would become a huge part of her life. I might as well dive right in and lay my nerd cards on the table because for me Star Wars will always be the version that came out in the 70’s. For this week's Force Watch Jmac got the pleasure of watching the last episode of the true trilogy, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. I however got to watch the last episode of the prequels, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I have no intention of eviscerating this movie, as it is part of my nerd lineage, but I have several issues with the movie that have intensified over time as the newness of the movie wore off. This feels like a place for bullet points so I will dive right in.

The Good Side of the Force:

* Any Star Wars is better than no Star Wars, Phantom Menace excepted, and being around other fans will always make the experience better. I waited around the theater for the midnight showing when this came out and you could feel the energy from the crowd as the theme started. That community spirit was even evidence on my own couch as Jmac and I both smiled and sat up straighter as the opening rolled. We proceeded to debate the movie, point out callbacks to the original, and get excited for our favorite scenes. Watching Star Wars with a new comer requires a slow dolling out of your geekiness, grab a veteran and you can let your nerd flag fly.

* The callbacks to the original films is my favorite part of this movie. They recreated the set of Princess Leia’s ship and added a tangible element I find most of the movie lacks. I enjoy seeing how the Emperor turns into the scar ridden, gravely voiced villain that always scared me more than Darth Vader. The movie was full of little tie ins, such as the introduction of the Emperor's red guard that would go unnoticed to the unobsessed. There is also a scene at the end on Tatooine looking out at the two suns and playing the Tatooine theme music that provides a perfect bridge to A New Hope.  I almost wish this was the only prequel made just for the purpose of filling in back story. Shove the Boba Fett storyline in at the beginning. Have Anakin just meet up with Padme and skip the part where she meets him as a child, because that always bugged me, and volia you skip so much of the hate lovers of the true Star Wars have thrown towards the new movie.

* The battle on the lava planet, yes Jmac I know it has a name and no I don’t care to learn it, between Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi was genuinely exciting. This was the battle between good and evil that I was looking for the rest of the movies. While I like tush kicking Yoda, I still miss the puppet, and it’s great to see the Wookies, this is the battle of the new series.

* As always I have nothing bad to say about a John Williams score. It makes the movie so much that by the end when I hear strains of the old score I get emotional. That score is tied to my childhood when my Daddy first introduced me to these movies that were so special to him. It was the first movie I ever saw by myself in theaters. Jmac and I cuddled up to watch Star Wars on our first at home date. I get misty when I talk about Star Wars because it has meant so much to me, and music is the trigger thats starts the water works.

* The aliens from the Trade Federation die in this one. I know this is supposed to be about positives but it really is a good thing. The constant yammering on in the first two movies about trade federation politics turned Star Wars into Cspan. I go to the movies to see duels, heros, and romance, not to see NAFTA negotiations. It felt good to watch a drain on the series go down, may they rest in alien trade federation heaven.

The Dark Side:

* I don’t feel like I can touch anything in this movie. Jmac likes to point out the advances in technology since then but the fact remains that when they did build sets in this movie I was interested and when it was clearly nothing but CGI I checked out. I’m not saying that everyone has to love the filmed scaled models of the original, though to be fair Jmac didn’t realize they were models so point original trilogy, but there needs to be some balance to the force, I mean CGI. To harp on a well established point I feel the director at the helm of another trilogy, Peter Jackson, captures the balance well in building sets when he can and when he can’t using sets for the close ups and leaving the background to CGI. It is why I was so upset with the remastered versions of the original trilogy, besides losing the ewok song at the end of Jedi, is that they took cities that were built sets and set CGI on top of them, thus failing the can I touch it test.

* I feel like taking a swipe at the dialogue is almost cliche at this point but fair is fair and this was pretty bad. I’m not going to argue the original trilogy was any better, you should really do a reading of it sometime as it is hilarious, but this dialogue coupled with the characterization makes it feel ten times worse. My Daddy and I were trying to put our finger on exactly why in the aftermath of this movies release we had been excited in the theater but didn’t love the movie. He settled on the lack of heart and I think that is exactly why this movie fails for me. This trilogy didn’t make me care about any of the characters. It was like we were supposed to import our feelings for the characters in the original series over to these movies and it got lost. Sure this was a dark tale and not a hero’s journey but I never cared enough about Anakin to be sad about his downfall. Acting, writing, and staging all went into creating a world that felt sterile. It wanted you to care about the fancy visuals and expansive worlds at the expense of the characters that inhabited them. These are not characters that stick with you when you leave the theater. I saw it, was excited, and then left.

I’m glad we picked Star Wars for this week's Force Watch. This is not a bad movie to sit through and we got some fun debates out of it. Ultimately though when I tell you I’m a Star Wars nerd don’t talk pod races to me. To win my heart is to know that when I say I love you, the correct response is “I know.”

I give Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith 3.5 out of 5 Jedi’s left in the universe.

For the record my order from greatest to least is: Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Revenge of the Sith, A New Hope, the one where they date on Naboo, and the one that shall not be named.  

Jmac: So I picked Revenge of the Sith because I feel that it not only binds the two, soon to be three trilogies together, but it shows why Darth Vader is such a jerk right off the bat in episode 4. I mean we really have no back story to show why hes a dick... we just have to trust that he is really an evil guy, who actually turns out to be a very complex character with emotions all over the place (especially with Hayden Christensen’s whinny acting). From there we also see why Darth Vader turns on the emperor in Episode 6, and its not because the emperor is force lighting the crap out of Luke, its because he was betrayed by the emperor back in Episode 3 when he couldn't save Padme like the emperor said he would teach him to do. Why would Darth Vader care about his long lost son that he has only met a few times, and who is actively trying to mess up everything that Darth Vader has been working on pretty much all his life.

Ok so about Episode 6:

* I have no idea why anyone finds Carrie Fisher good looking, Adriana Lima in the same slave bikini looks good, but not Carrie Fisher.

* What is the matter with Lucas, who knows about them being siblings, and still making Luke and Leia kiss.... the guy is messed up.

* Why is it that force choke and force lighting are only Sith tricks, but Jedis use force mind tricks, I mean which one is really the more sinister thing, knowing someone is coming at you and who is doing it, or having your brain messed with and you don't know its happening or who is doing it... the Jedis are the evil on that particular bit.... its not honorable

* If you have the majority of you resources put into a huge planet or moon sized base, why in hell would you only have one shield generator on a planet full of little bears that hate you... also with what seems like infinite resources there should have been a whole lot more troops loitering about on Endor, its just stupid. If you Emperor is supposed to be this super smart conniving guy then he should have thought of that, or at the very least his admirals should have so they don't get force choked out

* So they blow up the death star and there's this massive celebration, now what.... there's like a thousand Star Destroyers still hanging out throughout the galaxy, it doesn't make sense. Also its not like force powers was the thing building the Death Star, clones were, and if they built it twice, they can build it again.

So as much as I loved my Ewok village play-set from childhood, Episode 6 always felt like a cop-out to me, its essentially the same big ending. If they blew up the Death Star Mark 1 in Episode 4, why was there not a huge party like in the end of Episode 6, its not like all those different worlds knew the Emperor was actually dead, its not like the Sith are not cunning folks.

I give Episode 6: Return of the Jedi 2.6 poorly planned military strategies out of 5.

My breakdown of best to worst episodes is: 3, 6, 5, 2, 4, 1.... no one likes Jar Jar binks (and its just plain racist..... super racist..... {whispered} super racist) 

PS this is the best thing in the entire Star Wars Universe.

Jack the Giant Slayer

Jmac: Jack the Giant Slayer is pretty much the straightforward Jack and the Beanstalk story with a bit more violence, backstabbing,  and love interests than previous versions.

Same old same old.... in fact Kmac fell asleep watching what is billed as a children’s movie, which I normally fall asleep for, or at the very least start browsing Reddit.

Jack gets beans, Jack messes up and beans suddenly sprout (wish my garden acted this way), Jack likes girl, Jack, through a series of happenstances not affected by himself at all, wins girls heart and somehow kills some giants, Jack is king..... I call BS. They use the word “Albion” which is one of the oldest ways to refer to Great Britain, and if a commoner were to do anything to get the crown, the royals would stomp them into the ground.... that being said I like how they tied in the old English kingdom and folk lore of Jack and the Beanstalk into the modern age. It makes the lore continue on for kids, but I don't have any idea how that sky island full of giants wasn't picked up on radar... maybe it moves.

It begins quite slowly, and in typical fashion, but later picks up with more action, so maybe this one is more for your male children, than you girls. The princess is pretty helpless and whines a lot, so maybe not the best role model for girls.

Personally I enjoyed the Disney's Mickey and the Beanstalk version much better, at least the peasants were portrayed historically in that one..

I give it 2.8 cute princesses you would never get in any other life out of 5.

Movie 43

Kmac:

I had no expectations for Movie 43 except that I figured with this many famous people agreeing to be in  the movie, at least something had to stick. And there are a ton of famous faces. From Oscar nominees and winners, such as Kate Winslet and Naomi Watts, to familiar comedy actors, Kristen Bell and Jason Sudeikis, and on and on. I suggest not looking at the Wikipedia page until after you watch the film. Half the fun came from guessing who would show up next in this crazy, raunchy, and entertaining comedy made up of a series of sketches.

Upon checking the credits after the movie I was not surprised to see one of the Farrelly brothers was instrumental in bringing this thing together. Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary both traded in this kind of dirty, absurdist humor. It will not be for the faint of ears or eyes. The whole idea is to shock you with the main plot of the sketch. If, however, you can give yourself over to the filthy and sometimes violent nature of the sketches, you will laugh loud and often.

For those of you who brave this movie, I particularly enjoyed Sean Williams Scott and Johnny Knoxville playing two roommates who catch a leprechaun to steal his gold. Everyone knows you can’t let him go, or he will trick you out of it. In a close second for favorite sketch would be Robin speed dating with pervy Batman making the world’s worst wingman. Nerds everywhere will enjoy.

Overall this is not a movie to watch with kids or the prudish but for the experiment it was, I found most sketches worked.

I give this movie 4 out of 5 “wow it’s that guy” or girl, ladies can be funny too.

Jmac:

Ha....ha ha. In what has been called the “the citizen kane of awful” (Chicago-Sun Times), Movie 43, or what seemed to be an extremely raunchy hour and a half long SNL skit show, actually proves a point..... and that point is that even if you have the most absurd, crazy, messed up scenarios, if you populate your movie with actual actors instead of C or D lists like the Scary Movie franchise, or my personal hatred (which I saw half of on one of the worst dates ever) Date Movie, you can actually get a little bit of funny just from the actors.... or maybe I'm biased because I find it funny when actors step outside their normal roles and just do silly stuff.

This movie is lewd and crude, but still has a lot of laughs in it, if off-color comedy and shock humor is what you are into. It is full of double entendres, poo humor, and extremely awkward scenarios. I think my favorites were the second one when two parents who homeschool their kid haze him so he gets a “real” high school experience, and then of course if you put Sean Williams Scott and Johnny Knoxville together on screen I'm going to watch, as they capture leprechauns, which, as it turns out, are extremely foul mouthed buggers.

All in all, this on is not for the faint of heart, but if loaded with academy award winning actors and actresses, which lends to the funny.

I give it 3.8 balls out of 5.

Oh and Kristen Bell will make nerds everywhere throw off their Spock ears or their official Lord of the Rings cloaks, and nerd-gasm all over the place.

Spring Breakers

WTF????

This movie is the REASON, that everyone should not listen to big name well renowned movie reviewers and critics. It was billed by these soooo called experts, as a female heist movie, and that James Franco shone brighter than any star. That is a lie.

Jmac: If I had heard “its spring break y'all” or “spring break fo ever” one more time... ONE MORE TIME!! I would have totally lost it and taken to the streets to riot. The movie turned out to be a lower class male's wet dream, with boobs everywhere, and I'm not saying I don't like boobs, but when they are in literally every scene for the first hour of the movie, it cheapens them. So it was nothing but boobs, and not even good pairs at that, a bunch of drugs and booze, guns held at that angle that only trashy like to pull off, and 4 terrible “actresses” screaming “Spring Break Y'ALL!” every three seconds. Also if anyone in the movie attempted a southern accent, they butchered it. Really all southern people should be enraged about all low class folks taking their word ‘Y'all’ and destroying it, so that now anyone that uses it automatically looks stupid and trashy.

Another thing that was crazy about the movie was that three of the girls in the ‘crew’ were always joking about Selena Gomez always going to church and “praying”, which was always said in a really sarcastic and surly voice by the other girls, and I don't think she ever does anyway, so there are two stupid things. I have no idea how church groups were not burning Hollywood to the ground for this one, and I would have been right there with them, not for their cause, but because this movie got green-lit at all.

DO NOT watch this movie, even if you are a preteen and you are just looking to see some boobs, I feel like I lost so many brain cells from this one. Kmac even went to bed it was so slow and terrible.

I give it 1.2 terrible grills and dreadlocks out of 5.

Seriously if you have kids and they say they saw this movie and didn't walk out, or if they even ask to rent it, immediately grab a Webster’s dictionary, hit them over the head with it, and make them read it from cover to cover.

Kmac: I have nothing to say about this movie other than indies should always be talkies. Why was this movie so devoid of talking? They kept repeating phrases over and over. Also Jmac has been surly since we watched it. I hate the Karma from picking a bad movie. There is no greater advantage your significant other can gain. I’ll be watching action movies for a month.

I give this nothing because I just don't care. Kids now days.

Force Watch: The Baby Sitter's Club/Lethal Weapon 1

Jmac:

So we watched The Baby Sitter’s Club from the 90s because Kmac wanted to hear my smart ass comments about it while we were watching it. She is supposed to post my funniest impressions in her post.

The Baby Sitter’s Club was silly, just plain silly. I feel bad for all the dads that had to sit through it back in the day. The only thing that made it bearable was playing the ‘hey what's that chick’s name, I've seen her in something?’ and the ‘will they be hot when they grow up’ game. Answer 60% of them are, and coincidentally the bad guy girl in the Baby Sitter’s Club is the bad guy girl in Sugar and Spice from last week’s Force Watch. I hope this is not becoming a trend.... I can't take much more.

Anyway the movie follows a group of girls, that laugh, then cry, then argue, then cry some more, then supposedly learn something meaningful about life, then laugh, and then cry again.... all while rearing the next generation in the same shenanigans. Silly silly girls. I really had a hard time finding the nugget of the story, or what was the driving force.... I still don't know. Some chick who tucks her shirts into her boxers.... that’s right into her boxers, because she is suuuccchhh a Tomboy and has to prove it to everyone, has her deadbeat dad show back up and this causes stress between her and everyone she knows, because he doesn't want her to tell people he's back. This while the girls are trying to fix up a greenhouse for a new office, which I guess is the driving force of the movie... I don't know. Of course in the end everything works out for everyone, because this is America Dammit!! and everything always works out in ‘Merica.

I was soooo bored, and please God don't let me have girls.... I don't understand them at all.

I give it 2.3 girls yelling at others while crying when its their fault out of 5.

Kmac:

Regardless of what Jmac kept telling me, I had seen Lethal Weapon. I didn’t care for it because it is one of the quintessential 80’s action movies...and I just do not do action movies. This movie has the good cop, who is too old for these shenanigans, and the bad cop, who is just straight unhinged. They fight various crimes while solving a bigger mystery and because it is the 80’s there is cocaine and boobs everywhere. Hmmm... I wonder why I didn’t like this movie.

I’ll give the movie this in that it has its funny moments. Mel Gibson’s brand of crazy has always been funny to me in movies. His real life crazy is a whole other ball of wax. In one scene Mel Gibson calmly walks through a hail of bullets with a cigarette dangling from his lips as if it was a regular day. He catches the bad guy and we all have a laugh at the crazy man defying the laws of probability.

I wish I had more to say about this movie but is a genre that has been redone over and over. If you like the modern buddy cop movie you will like its ancestor. If you don’t like the buddy cop movie then you may want to rent The Breakfast Club and enjoy a true 80’s classic.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 criminals who are terrible shots.

*** I will be gathering up Jmac’s witticisms for their own post later tonight. When he gets ranting, he just goes on and on. 

Dead Man Down

Jmac:

I sort of half hearted watched this one while doing other things, but it was nothing to write home about anyway. I'm not sure what I expected out of Terrance Howard and Colin Farrell trying to pull of a slight Hungarian accent, which the movie tries to explain by saying that that when he got to America he tried to lose it as quickly as possible.

Anyway this was a straightforward story of revenge and shoot’em up movie. Farrell’s family was killed by Howard’s character, so he is out for revenge, but along the way finds a woman he likes, or rather she finds him because she knows he’s a hitman. Its actually a slow movie, with very little character development outside the main three characters. Of course in the end the bad guys die and he gets the girl, and somehow on their subway ride home, both totally soaked and bleeding, no one says anything to them..... and this is in New York after 9/11 so Im pretty sure someone would have said something.

If you like action, this movie really is not for you except the last twenty minutes, sure there are other small action sequences but they are over far too quickly and usually end with a copout reason.

I give it 2.4 mentions of burning everything someone cares about out of 5.