Parker

Well Parker was actually a lot better than I expected. It is still your typical Jason Statham shoot’em up, brawler, manly movie, with him glaring or smirking at everyone because that apparently what hardcore badass guys do, but like I said it was still better than I expected.

The movie centers around two heists, which is great for me because I love heist movies. When the first deal goes bad, Parker is left to die, but surprise surprise he doesn't die, and of course, right, because then there would be no movie.

Anyway, its all about Parker getting revenge on the guys that wronged him and tried to kill his girl. Again typical Statham movie. He has the same “we only rob from those that can afford it”, and “we don't hurt the innocent” that he has in a lot of his movies.... I'm not really sure how these personas haven't been co opted by a new age socialism movement, but I digress.

The movie also stars Jennifer Lopez as a West Palm Beach real estate agent who is down on her luck because she can't make a sale and needs to make some money before basically her whole life gets repoed, which I'm sure we can all relate to in today’s economy. It is through these dire straights that she agrees to help Parker on his quest to right wrongs, take names, and generally break everything, in every room he enters. In terms of J-Lo’s acting, I thought she did a very good job, because frequently she phones it in. On part of the movie that really wasn't logical is that she could not make a sale, and instead the hot blonde was getting all the commissions. This just doesn't add up, 1 its Miami and rich white guys buying these super expensive house go there for Latin booty, and 2 even though she is pushing 40, she still looks great. Sorry I just couldn't imagine a world in which J-Lo couldn't get what she wanted out of a man.... after all she had the now esteemed Ben Affleck acting like a douche for several years...

The movie’s action sequences are great, filled with improvised ways to maim another person, and gratuitous blood loss. So much so that Parker should not be walking around, because in his several altercations he has to lose at least 3 gallons of blood all within a week or two's time.

In the end everything works out. I never really know how to reveal plot points without someone yelling ‘spoilers’, so I usually try to keep it short, in terms of plot details. That being said at the very end, after waiting and waiting for the really Jenny from the Block to come out she finally says “Most of the them,” which you won't get but will appreciate when you watch it.

I give it 4.2 bloody pistol whips out of 5.

PS: I just realized how many contractions I use, but this is for the everyday man, so I don't think I can be blamed.